Thank you for being a friend…

I was going to share this on Facebook but I am on the fence. I am both relieved and hurt by being blocked. I am relieved because now I know where I stand but hurt because now I know where I stand isn’t in a good place. I guess the question is, is it worth the emotional upset?

There was a girl who had a friend. In my experience, people come into our lives for a moment, a lesson or a lifetime. This person and I were friends for a long time, we spent countless lunches together going over future plans and talking about life. Until one day, something changed. I thought we grew a part, she moved and I started a new venture – each taking us down a different path.

Recently, I realized this person not only unfriended me, but blocked me after months of just coasting on FB and not seeing each other. Something about my FB was so bad that it warranted a block, or maybe it was something about me.

I have blocked people, too. People who say disgusting things to me, people who hurt me or people I feel threatened by. It’s just part of our social world now.

I was thinking this week how we let so many people into our lives to see our day to day, business happenings, the people and things we love, our homes through facebook. People we have never met that we have connected with on some level, people we have met, people we work with, go to school with, fellowship with, etc…  And I realized I may take that for granted.

Thanks for allowing me to be a part of your journey, to see into your world. Thanks for being a part of mine by a simple ‘like’, a supportive comment, a business post share, a small act of kindness… Thanks to the special mamas and papas that share their real stories so I know I am not alone.

Thank you for your kindness in remaining my friend in any way, shape or form.

 

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One F***ing Pin!

Has it been 2 months?

I am back to college at 43 while taking care of a family and running a business. Blogging has seemed to be put to the side for a minute.

This week my hubs went to his homeland of Ireland to visit family. I am single parenting for 10 days and let me tell you I have never missed him more!

It’s been a long week with my 13 year old autistic epileptic lung child! Medical PTSD and loneliness did Conjure up this week. One lesson learned: Just like step 4, never read IEP goals alone. You need someone with you to balance out the negative and put things into perspective.

He requires so much attention from me that it has been impossible to study. By the time I get him to bed I am so tired I pass out with him.  He loves taking long baths but needs constant supervision in the bathroom. He cannot dress himself independently and eating…whatever! This week has me contemplating quitting everything to stay home with him just to get him closer to becoming an independent productive adult. For Christ sake, he has hit puberty and still pulls his pants off in public because the snow made his pants wet.

I’m not complaining about taking care of my son. I love being with him. We have amazing moments of laughter and sharing so much love that I actually want to live forever with him.

What hurts the most is the loneliness. He has no friends coming by to hang out. My friends or family are not breaking the door down to visit with their kids. This week has brought that to light for me, yet again. I love being around my friends and their kids, but they don’t love being around me when I am with my kid. #TruthBomb

How do I move forward? I have no clue. The summer is approaching and he will miss his Special Olympics friends and Special Recreation Day Camp for the 2nd year in a row because he is on Oxygen.

I need ideas for the summer. I need places to be and people to see. He needs friends outside of mom and dad. I need to see him engaging with other people, learning to behave appropriately and enjoying it.

We could go bowling every day and meet the elderly team we met last year. They loved him, even named their bowling team after him, “One Stinking pin!” and “Oh! Coconuts!” Those are Johnny’s ‘good words’. The originals were “One F$%^ing Pin” and “Oh! F%^$”. It took almost a year to replace those words! (I guess I can’t blame parents for keeping their kids away from mine!)

In the meantime, I will continue to ask around, reach out and ask for help in a network of people I have never met on social media. Hopefully, something will fall into our laps. Part of me knows whatever happens is meant to be. We always seem to be in the right place at the right time. #Blessed

via Daily Prompt: Conjure

 

I can’t deny…

Six years ago I was asked to write about the positive aspects of raising a child with complex medical issues. This is the article I wrote that was published on an online magazine called Complex Child.

http://complexchild.org/articles/2011-articles/october/extraordinary-little-man/

Looking back at this article reminds me of how far John has come. Day to day life can get me wrapped up in rushing, taking on too much and wishing John was doing better medically. I get wrapped up in the future instead of living in the present. I literally give myself anxiety thinking of scenarios that can happen if things were different. Things that probably will never happen consume my thoughts during the day.

Before I seen this on my memories news feed via Facebook I was talking to a friend about how negative my thoughts have been. Re-reading this was a blessing. A reminder telling me to STOP, breathe and smell the flowers right in front of me. Find the gratitude in the life I have today, full of oxygen tanks, bowling, Chuck E Cheese and all beef kosher hot dogs. Find the gratitude in the people around me today. The teacher that never gave up on him, the lunch lady that showed up to his birthday party and the students that sent him cards at the hospital! Be grateful for the party invites even if we can’t go, the friends that call to check in even if I can’t answer and our chosen family.

I cannot Deny  Autism, Chronic Lung Disease or Epilepsy. It will always be a part of our lives, but I will not let it control my thoughts!

What a great way to restart my week!

 

Social media addict?

Yesterday, I made the decision to remove myself from social media.

Yes, I did….

I deactivated my Facebook account and deleted my Snapchat.

I didn’t have an Instagram or twitter.

However, I do have accounts in all of these for my business.

On a personal level, I am not longer connected to social media.

AND I FEEL FABULOUS!!!

At first, I thought this was going to be hard. How will I survive without seeing everyone’s lives happening before me? How will I make it through a day without seeing how everyone’s first day of school was or how that girl in Bloomington is doing with the new baby. How will I make it without knowing how Ed the coffee guy managed to make it through the Park Ridge Farmers Market or how Bob from California is enjoying his new puppy?

This is how I did it. I replaced that time scrolling through social media with ME time. I looked at my son while I was talking to him. I asked him questions instead of nodding yes while responding to a post. I cleaned the oven, which was pretty cool! I did an amazing amount of marketing on milkshakes for my business and arrived into work early without being tired. While at work I read a book during the slow times and did a little extra cleaning.

It all seems so normal but for me it isn’t normal. I spent way too much time on social media. Doing all these extra things personally and professional has me feeling empowered and ready to tackle some more tasks. That’s crazy!!!!!

Last night I went to bed earlier then I usually do and actually went to sleep!  Like within 15 minutes. That’s unheard of!

This morning I woke up before the alarm and felt great.

I am pretty sure I was addicted to social media. Without it I get a little itchy, I want to just take a quick peek. I pick up my phone to click the big F (that’s F for Facebook) and for a second panic that it isn’t there. But, it’s getting easier and I am looking less.

Another reason I quit social media. It was helping me to build up resentments. I spend a lot of time with my son at home because autism doesn’t let us enjoy day trips out like most families. In addition, his chronic lung disease and oxygen requirements make it hard to just hop on out the door. Watching these assumable normal families enjoy the last few days of summer vacation was making me sad, not happy. Watching stranger’s lives that have no part of my daily life was making me resent them.

Without those visuals I can focus on the gratitude. The beautiful smile and hardy laugh my son enjoys at home. Our everyday hot dog lunches and “black popcorn” with water balloons by the dozen. The chronicles of the Boss (our puppy boxer) and homemade meals (not instagramed or facebooked) by my super BFF hubby! The best part are the text messages from the people IN my life with pictures of their kids first day at school, letting me know they are traveling for a sick family member or just asking to meet for lunch or coffee.  The important stuff!