Strategic thinking…

Today is neuter day for Boss, the dog. Poor little guy was so confused this morning. “Why aren’t you feeding me?” He tried to eat the flowers Kevin brought me over the weekend. I had placed them in a vase on our living room corner table. A table that was actually a bedside table for the huge bed and room we had at our last house. We downsized a year ago and life has never been so free of useless crap!!

Anyway, a neuter means a trip to the vet. It’s just Johnny, Mom and Boss. I have been planning my strategy to get out of the house as smoothly as possible since last night. I changed the plan a few times. At the end I did it a completely different way. Which means all that planning, scripting and thinking was a waste of time. Well, that’s how I roll when it comes to thinking.

I put Boss outside so I could prop the front door open without him making a runner. I was just praying John didn’t let him in while I was doing it. He is a slippery one that Boss. With the door propped I can get the push chair, lunch bag and back pack out the door in one pass and into the car. Return, let boss in and get the boys out the door. I have Boss’s leash in one hand and John’s oxygen tank in the other. I use one hand to guide John into the direction of the door while Boss pulls me to the door. It’s a funny scene.

Once at the car I get John in and walk over to get Boss in. He needs to be picked up into the car since I have a high SUV and he’s still too young to jump up. He doesn’t like getting into the car. Probably because the only time he gets in the car is to go to the vet. This trip will definitely be the final straw for him.

On the way into the vet office the strategy is the same but reversed. Johnny and I agreed he was working for 10 water balloons if he behaves in the office. When we arrive to the front door I opened it too soon and caught Boss’s paw. He made a loud dog crying sound at which time John chanted the F word at least 20 times. John does this anytime a dog barks or cries. I waited till John was done chanting before we walked inside. Once inside John was screaming at the dog to get down in a “level 4” voice. Level 2 is normal talking voice, which I encouraged him to use but this seemed useless. I began taking water balloons away, “9 balloons, 8 balloons, 7 balloons…”  With each balloon he decreased his sound level. But, it went right back up as soon as Boss became excited or jumpy. The receptionist at first was a little shocked by the noise but realized john is Autistic. I was so impressed with their acceptance and understanding. The one receptionist immediately put us into a room, hoping it would help John relax a little. In the room he became more anxious and aggravated with Boss’s level of excitement.

Finally, the vet came in to give me the estimate and papers to sign. We were out of there.

At this point, John lost all water balloons so we headed home to wait for bowling at 11am.

On the way out the door of the Vet John said, “Scared”

I asked him “Why were you scared?”

“Dr. Lestrud”

Dr. Lestrud is John’s Pulmonary Doctor. I believe John thought he was going to the doctor for himself.

When we got into the car I sat there for a few minutes trying not to cry. I wanted to cry because the people in the office were so nice. I wanted to cry because John thought he was going to the doctor. I wanted to cry because John didn’t feel safe and I didn’t prepare him for the Vet visit. I wanted to cry because this was just so overwhelming.

I cried because this was what I seen….

John at Vet

You wouldn’t event know how hard the last 15 minutes were by looking at him. He is in the car, safe and content. He knows he is going home where he is safe and happy.

How does a parent prepare their child for the hard world when they can’t get them out into it?

What is this all for?

During John’s last hospital stent I wrote this. I am so glad I journal to remind myself of what we have been through. We can do it all!!

3/8/2017

While John’s in the hospital I often start thinking about what the purpose of this life is?  We all hope that there is something beyond this, otherwise that makes this life for nothing. What is the purpose of all the hardship and joy, lessons and hurt?  I was driving back to the hospital the other day after going home to take a shower.  I was in a rush and angry.  I often talk about how horrible my road rage is and it’s so unnecessary.  I saw an elderly woman looking so sad standing close to edge of the street ready to cross, a family leaving the hair salon struggling to push the stroller through the door, a car speeding past me to make the light and a man in a wheelchair just waiting. Then, I thought about my mom and dad while they were dying.  All the pain they went through, what was it for? After they died so many people gathered to celebrate their lives and show their respects.  So many people had stories about all the days they gathered together.  Three years later no one is telling those stories anymore of my mom and her feisty ways.  The Irish woman divorced who moved back to her home country to retire with her American ways.  Drinking beer from a bottle and going to bars alone.  They really had to get used to her and grew to adore her.  One year later no one is talking about my dad’s generous heart.  The way he would stop and talk to a homeless man and had no problem giving him twenty dollars every time he seen him.  How he would buy a stranger in the bar a beer just to see them happy. What is the purpose of all this?  Why are we going through this life only to die and be forgotten?  In 100 years, no one will know my name or John’s name unless they come across it on a tombstone.  No one will know the lessons he learned.

Today, everyone talks about how beautiful he is.  How he makes sad people happy. How his smile brightens a room. How he curses like a sailor and how brave he is.  In 50 or 100 years when I am gone and john is gone no one will remember any of it.  All the pain my little man endured his whole life will be for what?

History shows people repeat the mistakes of the past.  Presidential candidates try what’s been done already and fail.  People suffering from mental illness and cancer are still not cured.  What is this all for? If you talk to a Jehovah witness, they will tell you the reward is in heaven.  A Catholic will tell you its eternal life.  I don’t know.  It’s all intertwined with hope and faith in a higher power. Letting go of what we cannot control and allowing life to happen gracefully.  Acceptance of people for who they are.  And responding to hate with love.

I always conclude with, “I have no idea but if we need to be here we midas well be kind”.  Even while driving.  I am grateful that John is with us.  I am for every moment. We take the pain because there is so much good that comes along with it.  I hate the pain because of what it does to his little body and life. But I love Johnny more than life. Countering the hate with love…we will be better than ever.