Anxiety just creeps up on me like a bad wedgy. One minute I’m happily dropping my son off at school next minute I’m running scenarios in my head about the things that COULD happen to him after I leave.
School nurses that show up 2 hours late and seem to think nothing of it are assholes.
My son goes to school with oxygen and a nurse is usually there to keep an eye on things. She needs to make sure the tank is full, that he is breathing ok, that he takes breaks when needed and that his oxygen concentrator battery doesn’t run out.
It’s not that hard.
So when a nurse arrives 2 hours late and manages to let the battery on his oxygen run out during her shift – the main job she has – I get angry. Anger is usually my first emotion. The program teaches me that anger stems from fear or hurt. I have to ask myself why I am angry. I am angry because the nurse isn’t doing her job! Which spirals me into the scenarios of what could happen if John doesn’t have his oxygen.
It’s a vicious cycle that I need to stop myself in the middle of and chant “Let it go, let it go”.
What I do have control over is whether that nurse comes back. I also have control over teaching the aides and teacher what to do if a nurse doesn’t do their job or doesn’t show up.
I have control of how I react to the situation.
Before I got sober I had 2 personalities; confrontational or isolation
Today, I still have multiple personalities but they come from a better place 🙂 I can pause and live in the solution, right after an anxiety attack. I can stop myself from letting the crazy committee in my mind take over and pray, right after the anxiety attack.
I don’t know if I will ever avoid that anxiety but at least I know I can get through it today with a little more grace and dignity then I did in the past.
Now I just need to pray we find a reliable nurse that cares enough to show up on time. And I will continue to be grateful for the amazing staff at his school that support us!
Recently, I have been thinking about going back to school for a degree in Early Education. Since I already have a Bachelors it wouldn’t take too long. I have always wanted to be a teacher. The hours and seasons would work perfect with my seasonal business selling froyo and with John.
Anytime I start thinking about changing careers, making life decisions or anything of that caliber I throw it out into the world. I start talking about it. I truly believe if you put it out there the answers will come. When I mention going back to school to be a teacher most people say, “You could be a Special Ed teacher!!”, like it’s the most exciting thing since sliced pie.
It’s like a mechanic with a crappy car. He goes to work all day and doesn’t want to come home and take care of his car, too. Just because I have a special ed. child doesn’t mean I would make a great special ed. teacher.
I appreciate all the people that have taken on John and didn’t give up. He went through 5 schools before 6th grade. He had some amazing special ed. teachers and one crappy special ed. teacher (She’s a whole other blog post). But, I don’t think I could do it. I get a real high off of watching kids do “normal” or “typical” things like color, eat, talk, play and breathe. It makes me so happy when kids play using their imagination or when they interact with other children. I would love to be the person to facilitate all this normal behavior. I would also love to be the person to mold these “typical” children into kind, smart productive high schoolers.
So this is me putting it out there, again. I am still on the fence. My brain tells me I am crazy for taking on all this extra work, my heart tells me I could make a difference. I let myself think too much about it and the committee in my head can be a tough committee, not always supportive. I find the most real support, whether it’s for or against, from the real woman in my life. They are the most honest! Sometimes they see things in me that I don’t see, good and bad. When they are brought to the forefront I can recognize the good and work on the bad.
Love my amazing tribe of supportive woman!