Daily Prompt: Thorny…or complex?!

Thorny

I have this horrible habit of scripting conversations and scenarios in my head that will literally never happen! For example, last night someone asked me to babysit this weekend. I declined because it’s my birthday weekend and I wanted to see if my husband was going to plan anything.

Mind you, I did not remind him or even send him out a hint. My plan was to wait for him to forget so I can go bat shit crazy.

In my head, I was scripting a conversation we would have if we were to see a therapist. Which we never will because he just won’t do it. (That’s another story!) I was saying things like “We have been together for over 20 years and every year I have to remind him…why can’t he just know it!” I literally drive myself crazy with the complexity of the script. Saying I am thorny is an understatement.

When I arrived home at 10pm after a 12hour shift he had an amazing homemade burrito bowl ready for me. I asked him if he had any plans Saturday and without a beat he said, “No, wanna go out?”. I immediately softened but was also a little surprised he asked. I am still not convinced he knows why I asked, but he fed me so I wasn’t feeling as thorny or complex and let it go.

Here’s to a Happy Birthday weekend, whether he knows it or not.

And a reminder, in the great words of my dear friend Ann B., “It’s about the season, not the day.”

Good thing he fed me….:)

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Quality Time, please?!

Quality time is so important to me.

I love spending quality time with my friends and family. When the time together isn’t forced and everyone really wants to be there, I feel loved.

I feel hurt when I schedule time with someone and they blow me. That tells me that my time is not important to them. It tells me that I am not important to them. Whatever they blew me off for is more important, whether its work or other people. This is with the exception of emergencies.

I really feel what you put out into the world, you get back in some form. Saturday, I had plans with someone I love and they blew me off. That night I was asked by two people if I would sponsor them. I spent the evening with a new sponsee talking about resentments and personal growth. We talked about owning our part in our story so we can learn and grow from it. Then we went for ice cream and laughed at her 7yr old son’s silly jokes.

The next day I was invited to lunch with a grammar school friend, which I accepted gratefully. Another friend invited me to a Jazz fest which I couldn’t attend because of work and sponsee commitments.

The universe if keeping me busy with people who want to spend time with me. Surrounding me with love the way I need to receive it, in quality time.

Thank you universal friends! Thank you HP for giving me the gift of friendship, sobriety and love!

What’s your love language?

Last night, I wrote a long resentful angry blog about my partner. I did not share it with anyone. Even last night in the midst of my anger I knew it was unfair and I was just venting. I am so grateful for my restraint of pen and tongue these days. Makes life so much more fun and full of gratitude.

This morning I read this blog:

https://12stepwork.com/2017/08/27/success-in-relationships/

Right after crying about feeling left out and unloved…

“… it’s not anybody else’s job to “make” me feel better or different… whenever I’ve left the job of “Make me happy!” up to someone or something else, it ends up causing me a lot of needless suffering… happiness is an inside job.” – Mike Stewart, Life Lover

What a great reminder. My marriage can be lonely sometimes. There is this site that talks about our “love Languages”.  How we show people that we love them. It’s hard when you are with someone that doesn’t speak your love language. You have to constantly remind yourself that you are enough and this is the way they show it.

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

I took the test.

My results: Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important – hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. Kind, encouraging, and positive words are truly life-giving.

The tight runner up being “Quality Time”.

I am pretty sure that my partners love language would for me would be:

His Results: Acts of Service

Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. Finding ways to serve speaks volumes to the recipient of these acts.

He likes to fix things for me, build new things and cook. Just tonight I mentioned that I need a new shelf put up at the shop and his eyes lit up while saying “I’ll be by tomorrow to take a look” And he will be by, I guarantee it.

After 24 years together, I am not always happy. As I am sure he isn’t as well. The hardest part about marriage is growing emotionally together. When one person isn’t growing emotionally and the other is, it makes for a tough time. The person growing has to find ways to compliment themselves and feel good in the space they are in. I do this by going to meetings, meeting other woman that can help me grow and talking to other woman that may feel the same way. It lets me know I am not alone and that the negative feelings shall pass. Thank God those negative feelings pass, with the help of some friends.

Take the test, tell me what your love language is.

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Social media addict?

Yesterday, I made the decision to remove myself from social media.

Yes, I did….

I deactivated my Facebook account and deleted my Snapchat.

I didn’t have an Instagram or twitter.

However, I do have accounts in all of these for my business.

On a personal level, I am not longer connected to social media.

AND I FEEL FABULOUS!!!

At first, I thought this was going to be hard. How will I survive without seeing everyone’s lives happening before me? How will I make it through a day without seeing how everyone’s first day of school was or how that girl in Bloomington is doing with the new baby. How will I make it without knowing how Ed the coffee guy managed to make it through the Park Ridge Farmers Market or how Bob from California is enjoying his new puppy?

This is how I did it. I replaced that time scrolling through social media with ME time. I looked at my son while I was talking to him. I asked him questions instead of nodding yes while responding to a post. I cleaned the oven, which was pretty cool! I did an amazing amount of marketing on milkshakes for my business and arrived into work early without being tired. While at work I read a book during the slow times and did a little extra cleaning.

It all seems so normal but for me it isn’t normal. I spent way too much time on social media. Doing all these extra things personally and professional has me feeling empowered and ready to tackle some more tasks. That’s crazy!!!!!

Last night I went to bed earlier then I usually do and actually went to sleep!  Like within 15 minutes. That’s unheard of!

This morning I woke up before the alarm and felt great.

I am pretty sure I was addicted to social media. Without it I get a little itchy, I want to just take a quick peek. I pick up my phone to click the big F (that’s F for Facebook) and for a second panic that it isn’t there. But, it’s getting easier and I am looking less.

Another reason I quit social media. It was helping me to build up resentments. I spend a lot of time with my son at home because autism doesn’t let us enjoy day trips out like most families. In addition, his chronic lung disease and oxygen requirements make it hard to just hop on out the door. Watching these assumable normal families enjoy the last few days of summer vacation was making me sad, not happy. Watching stranger’s lives that have no part of my daily life was making me resent them.

Without those visuals I can focus on the gratitude. The beautiful smile and hardy laugh my son enjoys at home. Our everyday hot dog lunches and “black popcorn” with water balloons by the dozen. The chronicles of the Boss (our puppy boxer) and homemade meals (not instagramed or facebooked) by my super BFF hubby! The best part are the text messages from the people IN my life with pictures of their kids first day at school, letting me know they are traveling for a sick family member or just asking to meet for lunch or coffee.  The important stuff!

Trust your gut…

8/15/2017

I do not usually put the date at the top of my post but this is the day it happened.

It was about 7pm, still day light on a hot summer day. I was working at the shop when two young men walked in.  One was wearing a white dego T-shirt with black Adidas pants that laid right below his buttocks so his dark blue boxers showed completely. The other guy was wearing jeans that hung low but not as low. He had a colorful jean jacket on with a large afro that had an indent on the left side.

The white dego tee guy walked up to the counter saying something. I looked directly at his eyes and said “I do not understand what you are saying?” I always give eye contact to people I feel might be trying to intimidate me. Even if I am scared it makes the other person think twice about my strength. He replied, “I was singing a song”.  I said, “Oh, good”. And I continued working.

The other guy lingered around him looking around, not talking at all. He had a toothpick in his mouth. Dego T guy asked if I give samples of the froyo. I said, “Sure”. And handed him one sample cup. Usually I give people 2 cups but I didn’t feel like these folks were here to buy anything.

They both walked to the back by the machines. Just past the machines is a short wall with a bathroom to the right and a water fountain outside the bathroom. Directly ahead is a door with a sign that says “Employees only”.

Recently in the neighborhood news there was an article about men in groups of 2 or 3 coming into businesses, asking to use the bathroom and sneaking into the employee’s area to steal purses, money or merchandise. Because I was uncomfortable with these boys I watched them closely from the counter.

There was a woman with her two kids sitting at a table near the machines, a woman and her child at the counter and a single woman sitting by the front door. As the woman and her daughter came up to the counter to pay the man with the toothpick went into the bathroom while the dego T guy sampled some froyo. He was taking heaping piles of froyo and reusing the sample cup. I noticed later that he would just let the froyo pump out without even catching it leaving a mess of froyo in the drain trays.

As I was about to ring up the woman and her child I noticed my back door opening. I ran over there and yelled at the man to get out. “You know exactly where you are going, get out of my store right now!”. The man turned around and began walking towards the front door, slowly. The dego tee guy stood there taking more froyo. I turned to him and said, “You get out, too. You two are together. Get out!”. He stood there finishing his generous sample of froyo and told me to wait. I said again, “Get out now”. I was standing maybe 15 inches away from him blocking the machine. I stared right at his eyes while his profile was facing me. He slowly turned to look at me and stared right at my eyes.

I told myself at that moment, “Don’t look away, don’t look away!” In that moment I thought he could sucker punch me right now and lay me flat. I thought of my son John and how sad he would be to see me hurt. I thought of the girls that work for me and thanked God they were not here and I am. I thought about how it was my brother birthday tomorrow and I just want to talk to him. I prayed he didn’t have a weapon. He finally looked away, tossed the used sample cup away and walked towards the door. I walked tightly behind him as he looked back at me twice. I stared at the back of his head as he walked out. I wonder what he was thinking when he looked back at me.

When they left all the tension in my body released. I started to shake. The woman at the counter said “Wow, I don’t know if I could have done that. Good for you”. I rang her up while my hands were shaking, handed her change and said Thank you.

I walked outside to get some air. There was a family sitting outside. They come every week with the kids and order pizzas, froyo and drinks. He asked me if I was all right. I gave the dad a short story on what happened and he encouraged me to call the police. Why didn’t I think of that?  Call the police!

The first set of police arrived fairly quickly. After explaining what happened the police officer asked if I want to file a report. I was confused, still a little shaky and said “I don’t know”.

The officer said, “If you file a report you will need to go to court, are you prepared for that? Also, do you want your business to be known as a place where the police are called? Media and community meetings get a hold of this and news spreads.” All while nodding his head no with his lips pierced together trying to look concerned.

That thought scared me and I said No. They ended up leaving.

About 15 minutes later two different police officers came in. The officer asked what happened. I told him again. He said, “You know we found them in the alley, we think they ditched a gun or a knife but our hands are tied because you didn’t file a report. These boys are from the west side and come down here doing this all the time. They are juveniles.” The officer was angry.

I told the officers I would file a report if they came back. Before they left the officer softened up a little and said “Good job sticking up for yourself. I doubt they will be back. But, if they do make sure you call us!”.

Since this happened I have been thinking about why I make the decisions I make.

Why didn’t I file a report?

Why didn’t I tell the 2nd group of police officers how the 1st group talked me out of filing a report?

I felt manipulated by the first set of cops. I felt like a child being scolded by the 2nd set of cops. In both cases, I was people pleasing. I made a decision based on what I thought they felt was the best choice. Deep down I knew otherwise but did not change my mind. While this was happening I was scared and looking for guidance. I didn’t know what to do but I knew what was happening didn’t feel right. I remember having feelings like this as a child, and at that time I didn’t protect myself either.

Trust your gut. Pause…stop and think about what the right decision is. Sometimes in these situations we can’t stop or pause. But, I wish I had trusted my gut. The most frustrating part of this now are people telling me “You should have…”. Everyone else seems to know what I should have done.

I just have to believe that it’s God’s will that this happened this way. I keep replaying the scenario in my head and thinking of all the bad things that could have happened. I also keep thinking, what if I had filed a report? They would have brought those boys back to the shop for me to identify, I would have had to go to court. Would someone retaliate against me?

I’m glad it’s over but it’s still lingering in my mind. I can’t seem to let go of the idea of them coming back.

You got the BUNZ hun!

Johnny’s BFF is an 18 year old girl named Emma. She is sweet when she wants to be and the polar opposite of that at times. She can’t help it because she has a nuero disability that causes her to lose control. However, John and Emma together is always just hot dogs, McDonald’s and short naps, always happy times.

We have very few people that can watch John for us. Actually, we have two, Erin and Auntie Patsy.  Erin is Emma’s mom and Auntie Patsy is our neighbor from the old house that we lived in for 17 years. She has become part of the family, the only “family” member that has taken on the hard task of learning how to be alone with John. We love her more than words can say, and Erin, of course.

One afternoon Erin had taken John for me while I worked. When I arrived home John had learned a new song.

“Anaconda don’t! Anaconda don’t! Anaconda don’t want none unless you got BUNZ hun!”

I bet that song is stuck in your head now.

We have been shouting it out just like that since he learned it. You have to have the emphasis on BUNZ, with a Z.

In March 2017 John came down with the flu. He ended up in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of our children’s hospital for 5 weeks. Thankfully, he recovered and was sent home on 4 liters of oxygen 24/7.

While in the ICU we met a really cool nurse named Katie. I really loved her vibrant personality and genuine smile. As an ICU mom for the past 12 years, I have sat many hours getting to know John’s nurses and vice versa. This nurse told me her story, with hardships and all, while smiling with gratitude. I loved that about her.

When John started to feel better his personality started to shine through again. He’s a clown that loves to make people laugh. He instantly adored Katie and her funny personality. One day he looked right at Katie and said “You got Bunz hun!”. Katie’s eye brows raised with a grin on her face while giving a puzzled look. She replied “Well, yes I do have bunz Johnny.”. Johnny pointed to the top of her head. Katie and I looked at each other laughing because we realized he meant the bun on her head!

After that, every time someone with a bun in their hair walked by Johnny’s ICU room Katie would stop them and ask Johnny, “Hey Johnny, what’s she got?” and Johnny would shout back, “You got bunz hun!”.

He had the entire ICU laughing.

Always making people laugh…

A few weeks later I was pushing John in his push chair into the bowling alley. There was a woman walking in front of us. She was a larger woman with a larger then average bottom and a bun in her hair. Johnny shouted to her “You got bunz hun!!!”

When she turned around I was already pointing to the top of my head saying “He means the bun on your head”.

7 months later I am still explaining the bunz comment to random people….  Ladies with bunz, men too….Johnny will point it out to you. Because he loves bunz!!!

 

 

Daily Prompt: A Casual Mom

I have no fancy dresses in my closet. If I received an invitation to a black tie event or wedding I would need to go out and buy something. I have summer dress, jeans, shorts and tanks. I wear underwear with super heroes on them or the cookie monster. I wear sweatshirts over my tanks in the winter because I still sweat a lot. I recently decided to let my gray hair grow free.  I now have long hair that is gray and I love it! I wear jean shorts, leggings and yoga pants, no yoga though! I am always comfortable.

I wasn’t always like this. 12 years ago I had a baby boy, Baby boy Murphy is what they called him in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of Children’s Memorial Hospital, now called Robert and Ann Lurie’s Children’s Hospital. He was born with a right-sided Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia. This is where his liver and bowels grew up where his lungs should have been causing him to be born with partial lungs. He spent 13 months in the ICU after birth, 8 years on a ventilator and 9 years with a tracheostomy. He has Epilepsy since the age of 2. His first seizure lasted 8 hours and only stopped because he received a sedative cocktail that would knock an elephant out. He also has Autism and Sensory Processing Disorder.

His story is long, tragic and beautiful. He is a lot of work and somedays just amazing to be around. I can barely take a shower for more than 10 minutes at a time while we are home alone because he has no sense of danger. I am scared he will walk out of the house or set fire to it.

This morning I pulled out a summer dress because I didn’t have time to do laundry. After envisioning the day which consist of a trip to Chuck E Cheese (because he earned it), a picnic and a festival (if we survive the picnic) I decided to put my knee length yoga pants on, they make my calves look awesome! That summer dress would have tripped me up if I had to make a runner after the little man.

Happy to be casual, working from home, entrepreneur mama ❤

via Daily Prompt: Casual