My depression is always centered on what other people are doing – to me or at me, to my son or at my son. I can handle it for a while but there is always a day, whether it’s once a month or every quarter, that I just fall apart.
Today is that day.
I am lonely because I started grad school and spend so much time writing papers and researching.
Last night, I texted a friend that I have been going out of my way to help the last few weeks to ask what she was up to. She told me what she was up to…and didn’t invite me. I’m good enough when you need something.
I have to hire ‘friends” for my 13 year old son with autism and chronic lung disease. AND these friends need to be OK with his oxygen tank, love of Mickey Mouse, Bowling, Chuck E Cheese and “black popcorn”. At a good price of course, most are OK.
Today, his “friend” didn’t show up again, his one real friend was busy and I can’t do what I needed to do. No grocery’s today, not bank visit, not stopping at the shop because John doesn’t travel well at all.
It slaps me in the face that I have no family that steps in to help or even get to know my son. I watch my brothers and nieces hanging out with the other cousin’s kids and family all over Facebook but can’t seem to get anyone to hang out with mine.
My Husband is my best friend. He talks me down, shows me how strong I am and reminds me that we have each other.
My depression feels like a pit in my stomach that hurts, it twist and makes me feel like I want to throw up. It wells up tears constantly throughout the day. So bad that I can’t go out because if someone seen me all they would have to do is ask how I am for me to break down. My depression makes me feel lonely when there are people everywhere. It makes me want to never see another person. It makes me want to never help another person. It makes me feel resentment for everyone else’s well being and happiness. It makes me think no one really cares. It makes my throat swell up and forces me to breath deeper.
It makes me pray… it will pass.