7 years later…

A friend introduced me to Anne Lamott.

She gives a Ted talk about the 12 truths she learned from life and writing.  The two that immediately popped out at me are “stop helping so much” & “Just do it!”.

The other 10 are also spot on. But, in this moment in my life these two popped out to me personally.

Stop helping so much: I spent the last twenty years helping others even when I didn’t want to. I started to resent people because I was helping them. Today, that idea seems backwards to me. Today, when someone asks me for something I have learned to pause and think about it before saying yes. Sometimes I say “Let me check my schedule and get back to you”. I like to be able to say yes with the feeling of really wanting to help. If I say no, its because I really can not help. Something about the situation either doesn’t feel right with me or will be taking me away from something that is important to me. One of the ways I have combated the guilt I feel for not helping is advising on where else they can go for help. Sometimes people have to do a little more work, to help themselves.

Just do it: I used to start things and never finish. Or I would never start and talk about it for months or years. When I decided to change my life 7 years ago I never imagined I would become a “Get it” kind of girl! Today, one of my weaknesses may be my strength. I don’t think before I do. I get an idea and run with it! I try it, sometimes I fail and sometime I succeed. I do not let fear lead me, I let it trail behind me on my coat feathers trying to catch up. It’s always there. I am pretty sure if I thought too much about it, I wouldn’t do it. I would let the evil little committee in my head tell me I am crazy, slow me down or halt me all together. But, NO, today I just do it! Now, I own a business I love, I balance life with family (sometimes), and I am still married (happily, most days). Imagine that!

My 7 year anniversary is tomorrow. Happy 7 year to me! The day I decided to Just do it, for me!

Anne Lamott gives a Ted talk here. Love her balance of humor on serious topics. Must listen!!

 

What is this all for?

During John’s last hospital stent I wrote this. I am so glad I journal to remind myself of what we have been through. We can do it all!!

3/8/2017

While John’s in the hospital I often start thinking about what the purpose of this life is?  We all hope that there is something beyond this, otherwise that makes this life for nothing. What is the purpose of all the hardship and joy, lessons and hurt?  I was driving back to the hospital the other day after going home to take a shower.  I was in a rush and angry.  I often talk about how horrible my road rage is and it’s so unnecessary.  I saw an elderly woman looking so sad standing close to edge of the street ready to cross, a family leaving the hair salon struggling to push the stroller through the door, a car speeding past me to make the light and a man in a wheelchair just waiting. Then, I thought about my mom and dad while they were dying.  All the pain they went through, what was it for? After they died so many people gathered to celebrate their lives and show their respects.  So many people had stories about all the days they gathered together.  Three years later no one is telling those stories anymore of my mom and her feisty ways.  The Irish woman divorced who moved back to her home country to retire with her American ways.  Drinking beer from a bottle and going to bars alone.  They really had to get used to her and grew to adore her.  One year later no one is talking about my dad’s generous heart.  The way he would stop and talk to a homeless man and had no problem giving him twenty dollars every time he seen him.  How he would buy a stranger in the bar a beer just to see them happy. What is the purpose of all this?  Why are we going through this life only to die and be forgotten?  In 100 years, no one will know my name or John’s name unless they come across it on a tombstone.  No one will know the lessons he learned.

Today, everyone talks about how beautiful he is.  How he makes sad people happy. How his smile brightens a room. How he curses like a sailor and how brave he is.  In 50 or 100 years when I am gone and john is gone no one will remember any of it.  All the pain my little man endured his whole life will be for what?

History shows people repeat the mistakes of the past.  Presidential candidates try what’s been done already and fail.  People suffering from mental illness and cancer are still not cured.  What is this all for? If you talk to a Jehovah witness, they will tell you the reward is in heaven.  A Catholic will tell you its eternal life.  I don’t know.  It’s all intertwined with hope and faith in a higher power. Letting go of what we cannot control and allowing life to happen gracefully.  Acceptance of people for who they are.  And responding to hate with love.

I always conclude with, “I have no idea but if we need to be here we midas well be kind”.  Even while driving.  I am grateful that John is with us.  I am for every moment. We take the pain because there is so much good that comes along with it.  I hate the pain because of what it does to his little body and life. But I love Johnny more than life. Countering the hate with love…we will be better than ever.

Death of a Chameleon…

Death of a Chameleon 

I miss the beginning…

Closing my eyes and running forward not scared of what is ahead of me.

Being held up by my “friends”

Carefree

Loving myself

Being able to look in anyone’s eyes and feeling something

The excitement

The smell

Barcardi

A chameleon

Until one day the end came….

Open my eyes, now I’m scared

Losing all my friends

Heavy hearted

Hating myself

Scared to look, feeling ashamed and scared

The fear

The smell

Barcardi

Death of a chameleon

Is a new beginning

That wasn’t me; One of my favorite songs that really describes what it’s like to change from this chameleon to the real person I am today. That wasn’t me who made all those promises and created all that drama. This is me, today! That I can live with!

First blog post: Who am I?

Today, I am an entrepreneur, a mother and wife. As I type this my son has his head resting on my thigh with an oxygen mask attached to his face via a home concentrator. Its bedtime so my husband is downstairs watching TV and probably sleeping because I have the kid watch night shift. It’s a routine we have become accustomed to over the last 12 years. More on that later…

The past me was a nine to fiver for a 500K corporation. I was working my way up to the top, having liquid lunches, meaning Bacardi, and kid free. Until I fell into marriage, became a foster parent and had my son John. Then, I was a stay at home mom turned medical advocate with a crash course in medical jargon and an education advocate with “due process” always in my master plan, but thankfully never initiated. This ME became a lonely housewife that liked to party.

Once you hit your bottom there is no other place to go but up. If you are desperate enough to change and surround yourself with the right people they will give you the steps to keep you moving forward even on your loneliest days.

The future ME, I haven’t met yet. I take it one day at a time and let my life play out the way it should. 10 years ago, I never would have imagined being the owner of a successful sweet treat shop. I’m pretty sure anyone who knew me couldn’t imagine it either. I think this is why I am blogging. I want to start thinking about what I want to do next. Writing has been such a healing process for me over the years. Some of what I wrote I shared on social media sites and some I did not. This is the time for me to heal from my past, move forward and write about it.

Maybe my future me is a writer?