#Healing

Summer fun is not so fun…

Today is Saturday. I am a business owner on top of a multitude of other titles. On the days I am not going into the shop I always check in with the video cameras to make sure someone showed up for their shift. Today, no one showed up to open the shop. So after getting a text saying she asked someone else to cover her shift but never told me so I could change the schedule, I had to pack up John and head over to the shop to open. This is where I start wondering why I thought I could be a business owner and John’s mom and contemplate closing shop and then slap myself out of it.

John doesn’t like to just get up and go. There is a process, a plan, a schedule that needs to be followed. Today, we were supposed to go to Rosemont at 2:30 for the Special Olympics Ice cream social. Next, home for water balloons. Next, Irish fest. We were not supposed to go to Josi’s at 12:15pm or any time during the day. After throwing his clothes and shoes on, driving to the shop he was pretty pissed.

When we got out of the car he tried throwing his oxygen tank at me. A guy riding his bike passed slowed down to watch. When we started walking to the door he tried pulling the tubing off. An elder man stopped to ask if I needed help. Once we got to the door I knew I needed to literally shove him into the store with tank, lock the door and dart to turn off the alarm. If John heard that alarm our day would be ruined. So that is what I did unannounced to John. John didn’t appreciate the shove but with a shocked look went to sit down at the nearest chair, thank God!!!

Once the alarm was off and doors locked I worked on opening the store while John sat on the chair chanting and screaming at me. “Mom, mom, mom, Get over here right now, I said get over here!” Over and over again. Apparently, I say that to him a lot.

A customer came to the door so I opened warning them that the shop just opened and product isn’t ready for about 5 minutes. I apologized and continued to get the shop ready while John continued chanting his chant. Meanwhile, I was texting everyone trying to get them to come in or friends to watch John, there is no way I can sit here all day with John and tend to customers.

Finally, the newest girl hired said she could make it. Two girls have been suspended and don’t start back till Monday so I didn’t even ask them. One girl was at a baby shower. I fired the girl that didn’t come in. It was the easiest fire ever since she was literally a backup, ironically that couldn’t back us up. I just took her off the schedule and told the team they can no longer use her as a backup. Didn’t even tell her.

When the girl finally showed up I took my phone and sat down next to John at the table he was chanting at. It took all of my strength to not cry. I sat there staring at John, he stared back at me finally saying nothing. I took a deep breath and started chanting to myself “God help me, god help me, god help me”, while holding back tears with my back to the audience at the counter.

Since the last night shift didn’t let me know we were out of strawberries, blueberries, donuts and a bulb was out; it was off to Target.

It had to be Target, because that is the only store John will go to without a fight. I’m just glad all the items I needed were at Target. Mission accomplished, dropped off at the shop and home we go!

On the way home he sat in the back seat the quietest I have ever seen him. So quiet I had to ask if he was ok. His beautiful face just looks over at me with a smile and says “I’m ok mommy, stop asking, I’m ok”.  That his new thing, telling me to stop asking even if I only asked once. Was this the calm before the storm? In my head I am trying to figure out how to keep him this calm….

Cancel Rosemont

Cancel the Irish fest

He’s way off his game.

Home – FINALLY – Kevin comes home early to relieve me so I can go to jewel for dinner, pet store for food and hardware store for a fly swatter! Ahhh…a break for me!

He has his water balloons… all is right with HIS world. Until daddy tell him only 5, not 10. I’m outta here….

I managed not to cry in public, only in my car…

I can’t wait to go to bed….it’s only 4:30pm….

People are texting me asking where we are….no show again.

I’m watching all the other mom-entrepreneurs take their kids to work and be good at it #SmallBizMom…no go here.

#Feeling Sad

#KeepTheFaith

#GoodNightSweetWorld

I tell this story to heal, not for sympathy….I need to heal and others can heal from reading, hopefully. Sharing our experience, our strength and our hope is how we heal. #Healing

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What is this all for?

During John’s last hospital stent I wrote this. I am so glad I journal to remind myself of what we have been through. We can do it all!!

3/8/2017

While John’s in the hospital I often start thinking about what the purpose of this life is?  We all hope that there is something beyond this, otherwise that makes this life for nothing. What is the purpose of all the hardship and joy, lessons and hurt?  I was driving back to the hospital the other day after going home to take a shower.  I was in a rush and angry.  I often talk about how horrible my road rage is and it’s so unnecessary.  I saw an elderly woman looking so sad standing close to edge of the street ready to cross, a family leaving the hair salon struggling to push the stroller through the door, a car speeding past me to make the light and a man in a wheelchair just waiting. Then, I thought about my mom and dad while they were dying.  All the pain they went through, what was it for? After they died so many people gathered to celebrate their lives and show their respects.  So many people had stories about all the days they gathered together.  Three years later no one is telling those stories anymore of my mom and her feisty ways.  The Irish woman divorced who moved back to her home country to retire with her American ways.  Drinking beer from a bottle and going to bars alone.  They really had to get used to her and grew to adore her.  One year later no one is talking about my dad’s generous heart.  The way he would stop and talk to a homeless man and had no problem giving him twenty dollars every time he seen him.  How he would buy a stranger in the bar a beer just to see them happy. What is the purpose of all this?  Why are we going through this life only to die and be forgotten?  In 100 years, no one will know my name or John’s name unless they come across it on a tombstone.  No one will know the lessons he learned.

Today, everyone talks about how beautiful he is.  How he makes sad people happy. How his smile brightens a room. How he curses like a sailor and how brave he is.  In 50 or 100 years when I am gone and john is gone no one will remember any of it.  All the pain my little man endured his whole life will be for what?

History shows people repeat the mistakes of the past.  Presidential candidates try what’s been done already and fail.  People suffering from mental illness and cancer are still not cured.  What is this all for? If you talk to a Jehovah witness, they will tell you the reward is in heaven.  A Catholic will tell you its eternal life.  I don’t know.  It’s all intertwined with hope and faith in a higher power. Letting go of what we cannot control and allowing life to happen gracefully.  Acceptance of people for who they are.  And responding to hate with love.

I always conclude with, “I have no idea but if we need to be here we midas well be kind”.  Even while driving.  I am grateful that John is with us.  I am for every moment. We take the pain because there is so much good that comes along with it.  I hate the pain because of what it does to his little body and life. But I love Johnny more than life. Countering the hate with love…we will be better than ever.