Medical PTSD…Gratitude?

On the evenings I am not working Kevin and I put our son John to bed together. It is always filled with laughing, hugs and kisses. John takes a dose of melatonin every night right before bed that allows him to relax enough to fall asleep on his own. He is a happy boy, especially when he is home.

Daddy takes him into the bathroom for P and teeth cleaning while I go into the bedroom and set up the night light and sheets. Some nights I chase him into the bed pinching his little butt while he laughs and swats my hands away. He throws himself into the bed laughing hysterically, so much so his lips turn blue.

“Johnny stop laughing so hard, your lips are blue, breathe!” as Kevin and I look at each other nodding our heads with the look of “Wow, can you believe this kid”.

Kevin and I lay in the bed with John between us. We laugh at the silliness of John and usually mention how handsome or grown up he looks. Tonight, we mentioned how straight his teeth are and how beautiful his smile is. He has Kevin’s teeth, I had braces.

We say the Our Father Prayer with Kevin’s hand across us both. Tonight, Kevin was rubbing my back. John took Kevin’s hand and moved it away and began rubbing my back himself. We all laughed and kissed good night.

Sobriety brought me here….I am forever grateful for these moments that I do not rush and adore so much.

However, sometimes my mind goes to a dark place. For literally a second, my mind imagines the space between Kevin and I in that bed empty, without John. It gives me a knot in my stomach with a weakness I cannot explain. I shake it off quickly.

Death is something I think of a lot. I don’t do it on purpose. My mind just goes there. Sometimes I wonder if it’s my brain preparing me for the “what ifs”. But, my smarter brain tells me not to think of the ‘what ifs’ and to live in the present. I am not sure how to make these thoughts stop. I feel like it’s a symptom of medical PTSD, from all the years of watching him almost die or struggle to breathe.

I just don’t know how to make it stop…


You got the BUNZ hun!

Johnny’s BFF is an 18 year old girl named Emma. She is sweet when she wants to be and the polar opposite of that at times. She can’t help it because she has a nuero disability that causes her to lose control. However, John and Emma together is always just hot dogs, McDonald’s and short naps, always happy times.

We have very few people that can watch John for us. Actually, we have two, Erin and Auntie Patsy.  Erin is Emma’s mom and Auntie Patsy is our neighbor from the old house that we lived in for 17 years. She has become part of the family, the only “family” member that has taken on the hard task of learning how to be alone with John. We love her more than words can say, and Erin, of course.

One afternoon Erin had taken John for me while I worked. When I arrived home John had learned a new song.

“Anaconda don’t! Anaconda don’t! Anaconda don’t want none unless you got BUNZ hun!”

I bet that song is stuck in your head now.

We have been shouting it out just like that since he learned it. You have to have the emphasis on BUNZ, with a Z.

In March 2017 John came down with the flu. He ended up in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) of our children’s hospital for 5 weeks. Thankfully, he recovered and was sent home on 4 liters of oxygen 24/7.

While in the ICU we met a really cool nurse named Katie. I really loved her vibrant personality and genuine smile. As an ICU mom for the past 12 years, I have sat many hours getting to know John’s nurses and vice versa. This nurse told me her story, with hardships and all, while smiling with gratitude. I loved that about her.

When John started to feel better his personality started to shine through again. He’s a clown that loves to make people laugh. He instantly adored Katie and her funny personality. One day he looked right at Katie and said “You got Bunz hun!”. Katie’s eye brows raised with a grin on her face while giving a puzzled look. She replied “Well, yes I do have bunz Johnny.”. Johnny pointed to the top of her head. Katie and I looked at each other laughing because we realized he meant the bun on her head!

After that, every time someone with a bun in their hair walked by Johnny’s ICU room Katie would stop them and ask Johnny, “Hey Johnny, what’s she got?” and Johnny would shout back, “You got bunz hun!”.

He had the entire ICU laughing.

Always making people laugh…

A few weeks later I was pushing John in his push chair into the bowling alley. There was a woman walking in front of us. She was a larger woman with a larger then average bottom and a bun in her hair. Johnny shouted to her “You got bunz hun!!!”

When she turned around I was already pointing to the top of my head saying “He means the bun on your head”.

7 months later I am still explaining the bunz comment to random people….  Ladies with bunz, men too….Johnny will point it out to you. Because he loves bunz!!!